off-topic, but funny: how to know if you're ready for children

[Jim Huber <jhuber@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

> > HOW TO KNOW IF YOU ARE READY FOR CHILDREN:
> >
> >
> >  MESS TEST:  Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.
> >  Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there
> >  all summer.
> >
> >  TOY TEST:  Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (If Legos
> >  are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks).  Have a
> >  friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try
> >  to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (This
> >  could wake a child at night).
> >
> >  GROCERY STORE TEST:  Borrow one or two small animals
> >  (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the
> >  grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything
> >  they eat or damage.
> >
> >  DRESSING TEST:  Obtain one large, unhappy, live
> >  octopus.  Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms
> >  stay inside.
> >
> >  FEEDING TEST:  Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill
> >  halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord.
> >  Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy
> >  cereal(such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the
> >  jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the
> >  contents of the jug on the floor.
> >
> >  NIGHT TEST:  Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and
> >  fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in
> >  water. At 8:00 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until
> >  9:00 p.m.  Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get
> >  up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever
> >  heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a.m.
> >  Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep
> >  this up for five years. Look cheerful.
> >
> >  PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN):  Obtain a large bean bag chair
> >  and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there
> >  for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
> >
> >  PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):  Go to the nearest drug store. Set
> >  your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself.
> >  Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head
> >  office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to
> >  the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it
> >  quietly for the last time.
> >
> >  FINAL EXAM ASSIGNMENT:  Find a couple who already has a
> >  small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their
> >  discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table
> >  manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize
> >  to them that they should never allow their children to run
> >  wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you
> >  will have all the answers.


My wife and I have one that's about to turn three, and another due in
February...

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