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[ST] FW: Tools and their REAL uses



Modified version of the old one.  A few interesting additions, as well as a few questionable modifications.  

 

I especially like the "two ton engine hoist". 

 

Jeremy Witt

Newbury Partners

www.newburypartners.com

(o) 603-893-3022

(c) 603-475-4228

 

 

 

> >Tools and their REAL uses
> >
> >DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat 
> >metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and 
> >flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that 
> >freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
> >
> >WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the 
> >workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and 
> >hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to 
> >say, "Yeow shit...."
> >
> >ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes 
> >until you die of old age.
> >
> >SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
> >
> >PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of 
> >blood-blisters. The tool most often used by all women.
> >
> >BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor 
> >touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
> >
> >HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board 
> >principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, 
> >and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your 
> >future becomes.
> >
> >VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. 
> >If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense 
> >welding heat to the palm of your hand.
> >
> >WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of 
> >intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
> >
> >OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable 
> >objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the 
> >wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
> >
> >WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and 
> >motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ 
> >socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
> >
> >TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood 
> >projectiles for testing wall integrity.
> >
> >HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after 
> >you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly 
> >under the bumper.
> >
> >EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off 
> >of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
> >
> >TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
> >
> >E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known 
> >drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible 
> >future use.
> >
> >RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops 
> >to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
> >
> >TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of 
> >everything you forgot to disconnect.
> >
> >CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably 
> >has an accurately machined screw driver tip on the end opposite the handle.
> >
> >AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
> >
> >TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a 
> >drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which 
> >is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main 
> >purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm 
> >howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the 
> >Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat 
> >misleading.
> >
> >PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and 
> >for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your 
> >shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips 
> >screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.
> >
> >STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to 
> >convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
> >
> >AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning 
> >power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that 
> >travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts 
> >which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and 
> >instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
> >
> >PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket 
> >you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
> >
> >HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
> >
> >HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used 
> >as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the 
> >object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in 
> >walls when hanging pictures.
> >
> >MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard 
> >cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents 
> >such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector 
> >magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful 
> >for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
> >
> >DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while 
> >yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next 
> >tool that you will need.

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