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Re: [ST] Deer Season



This came from the ldrider mailing list, and was forwarded to me by
one of my housemates.  It's both hysterical and disgusting.

- -Patti

... continued

"well, it's lookin' like there will be one less rider at MASS
GOLD...".

I tore into her body at 61 mph.

The doe had decided to take another step before I hit her, so the front
wheel split her body roughly mid-section, such that the forward 2/3's
of the deer fell along the left side of the bike, the rear 1/3 of the
carcass went down the right side. It was like you could feel and hear
the sounds of cartilage, bone and sinew being snapped and torn asunder.
My right lower leg was smashed with the rear hindquarters of the
severed doe.

But what got to me was the shit. Literally. Shit! Deer shit.... lot's
and LOT'S of deer shit!

The ENTIRE RIGHT HALF of the forward fuselage area was no longer Honda
red....  it was brown and green!!! DEER SHIT!!!! I could not believe my
eyes! Not only was there a massive amount of deer shit on the road, but
my bike front and right side were AWASH in deer shit!! How can a
creature hold this much shit in their bodies AND STILL BE ALIVE?!!!
What, do these deer have to "shit on demand" for a living, or
something?! There was an UNBELIEVEABLE amount of intestinal matter in
every single crevice of the bike. Lovely aroma......

Since I had begun a right swerve, I was pointing slightly right when we
struck, and after severing the animal, the bike was now pointed to the
far right, and into the ditch beyond. I stabbed both brakes and start
leaving fresh Dunlop and Metzeler on the road. My speed starts to bleed
off, but I see with crystal clarity that I am fast approaching the edge
of the road.....  and snow-melt sand is *inside* the edge of the white
line! "Guess I'm done bleeding off speed", I think to myself. Just
before I reach the sand, I release the brakes as I look at the Sigma.
It says 53 mph as the ST1100 leaves the road, and flies airborne into
the ditch.

As we leave the road, I get up on the footpegs and assume my best
Jeremy McGrath riding stance. The front tire slams down into the ditch
and the rear end bounces up to try to pop me off the bike, but I'm
ready for it, and hang on somehow.  I bounce and hop all over the
ditch, which is roughly 7 feet wide and three feet deep. I keep looking
for the drainage ditch that will end my off-road adventure (and
probably my young life) in an instant, the very same way Jack Baird got
his serious injuries. First order of business, however, is to avoid the
telephone pole that is fast approaching on the left. I manage to sneak
past the pole, even though it knocked off my left mirror housing
(amazingly enough, the post-accident inspection revealed not a single
mark on the mirror housing... go figure!)

By now I am down to 30 mph, and I'm beginning to believe I might live
if no Jack Baird drainage-ditch surprises me. About that time, I
realize, hey, I'd better do something about getting the bike out of the
ditch while I am still moving, or I'll be in this ditch a long time.

So I gently apply a little countersteering, and amazingly, the ST
"walks up" the side of the ditch, trading speed for elevation. I am
almost to the top of the ditch, and am only going 5 mph!! I finally
come out of the ditch, and roll onto the paved shoulder just as I came
to a gentle stop!!!! I slowly put the kickstand down. I stepped off the
bike and immediately ran around to looked at the front end damage.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The front fairings are all smashed. The fender is barely hanging on.
The lower gray fairing has major holes torn all through it.... and
there is a hoof in one of the holes!! The left middle fairing is
cracked from top to bottom. The inner middle fair is..... gone!!
COMPLETELY GONE!!! The right middle fairing is severely damaged with
razor-sharp jagged edges that did most of the deer-slicing, along with
the right tip-over guard. The force of the impact buckled and cracked
the right (lockable) fairing pocket. Both side maintenance panels took
impact damage. The right FIAMM electric clamshell horn is flattened and
looks like a frisbee. The other FIAMM horn looks worse. The radiator
has a sizeable dent in the right side, but appears intact.  I expected
to have radiator fluid everywhere, but the cooling system remained
intact.

My Night Train was hit hard.... but still serviceable.

As I surveyed the damage, the adrenaline from the near-accident started
to wear off, and was being replaced by a seething, raging anger. That
fucking deer.....  just LOOK at the mess it has made! Then, the final
straw..... I discovered that the deer had cause me to lose the PIAA
910s! When I discovered this...... all my attention turn to the deer,
still 250 feet back. Shaking with rage, I reached for the Browning,
pulled back the slide, chambered a round, and started walking
back to the carcass.

As I slowly walked back to the point of impact, I looked over to the
left to see the deep, long furrow the ST1100 had made as it ran through
the ditch and back up onto the highway. I walked past by the telephone
pole that knocked off my mirror housing. As I approach the deer, I have
to step around various organs and deer splatter to make my way around
to the front 2/3 of the carcass. I lean over the head of the deer and
look into her soft, brown eyes. I gently whisper "Fuck you", then empty
the clip into her.

There's nothing like the sound of brass casings tingling on asphalt.
Oh, yeah.


With the post-accident mental therapy complete, I reloaded the Browning
and put it away. I walked back to the bike. Jesus, what a mess! I could
not - could NOT - get rid of the stench of deer shit.... and no wonder,
IT WAS EVERYWHERE!!!  I dig into the Ventura bag for my Polaroid, and
almost retch as I noticed that the entire right side of the bag is also
encrusted with deer shit. I turned back and face the carcass, "HOW MUCH
SHIT CAN YOU DEER *POSSIBLY* CARRY?!!!!!!!  I was just stunned at the
amount of deer feces distributed about the bike. When I get to the
Polaroid, I see that it has no film. Damn, I REALLY wanted to get a few
pictures of the carcass, but it was not to be.

I got back on the bike, and slowly made the 30-ish miles to Burns. It
was completely un-nerving to look down through the opening of the
triple-tree area (normally covered by the inner middle fairing) and see
asphalt whirling by! And, DAMN, the smell emerging off the exhaust
lines was INCREDIBLE!!! Upon reaching Burns, I rolled into a Texaco and
dashed inside to buy one of those disposable cameras.  I shot about a
dozen pictures of the bike at various angles, then rolled over to the
car wash area and borrowed their hose. I scrubbed and scrubbed for 45
minutes, and STILL couldn't get rid of the deer shit stench that came
from the engine bay. I walked 200 feet away from the bike, and could
STILL smell that deer shit! DAMN, that's some lingering aroma... or so
I thought.

Later on that morning, I stopped in Lakeview, Oregon for some gas. Went
to the restroom, and as I washed my hands, I took a brief look in the
mirror. There, in my moustache, under the right nostril, was a nice
dollop of green deer shit, all crusty and hard.

Fucking deer......

- - Warchild
'00 CBR1100XX
'97 ST1100

http://www.st1100.com/
http://www.superblackbird.com/


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