Re: [ST] ST website history- assist

[Steve Lawler <slawler@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

Denis Liakos wrote:

 > I'm hoping Lawler can come up with a "Fractured Fairy Tale" for our
 > amusement. Steve?


"The Origin of Triumphnet"
by Steve Lawler

In the early days of the internet, before there was listserv, before 
there was usenet, before there was wire, before there was recorded 
history, before there was anything even remotely resembling 
civilization, tribes of motorcycle riders resided in caves. These riders 
were the beginnings of an advanced people.

They were the first people to give names to things and other tribe 
members. The names they would give to people were taken from things in 
their environment. For example forest dwellers would be named "Tree" if 
they were big and strong, "Pine Cone" if they were nutty and some were 
called "Bush" if they were small and feeble. Tribes that had taken up 
seaside caves had names like "Squid", "Seaweed", "Snail", "Shell", 
"Gill" and so on. Gill was usually reserved for open mouth breathers.

While they had not yet developed writing they had already assembled an 
alphabet. They just weren't sure how to use it. Some could be seen 
sitting, twanging their bottom lip, saying "BBBBBBBBBB." Renegade tribe 
members (precursors to today's pirates) would run around letting out a 
hearty "R!" It occurred to some that the alphabet could be put to better 
use.

As the populations of these tribes of motorcyclists increased they began 
to run out of names. They began to attach letters to names. If there was 
already someone named "Twig" another one would be called "Twig-A." In 
what is now Ireland, they opted to add letters to the beginning of 
names; a second "Gill" would become "A'Gill" and so on to "O'Gill." The 
tribes of Scotland felt the desire to be different; they added two and 
sometimes three letters to the beginning. This evolved into names like 
"McGill." Ancient south central Europeans used only vowels at the end. 
The tribes of the region of eastern Europe would just keep adding 
consonants at both ends until they had formed names that were not in the 
slightest bit pronounceable.

One of the seaside dwelling tribes lived on a diet made up primarily of 
trilobites. They were incredibly easy to catch in the unique nets that 
this tribe was so skilled at making. The meat of the trilobite was quite 
succulent and intoxicating. Unfortunately, it was quite addictive and 
gave the eater offensive body odor. To make matters worse, it was 
extremely difficult to get past the sharp shell. This did not stop them. 
Members of this tribe had severe scarring of their tongues causing their 
vocabulary to be intertwined with grunts. Due to the difficultly of 
saying "trilobite" they would say "tri-oomf."

Further down the same stretch of seashore was a tribe that lived mostly 
on shell fish. They prospered. Their numbers had grown and they made 
full use of the alphabet. One particular motorcycle rider named 
"Shell-E" figured that if he strung a whale intestine from his cave to 
the next tribe down the beach then he could converse with them by simply 
shouting down the intestine rather than having to face these stinking 
riders. The odor had made them an ostracized group. But Shell-E knew 
that they would have something to contribute to his tribe of motorcyclists.

Shell-E first tried simply laying the intestine in the sand. This did 
not work to well. The mutterings of the other tribe could not be heard. 
Shell-E suspected that if the intestine was open it would work. It would 
need to be stretched. He tried tying it between two rocks. This worked 
immediately. Unfortunately he did this attempt in the midday sun. Once 
the sun set the intestine expanded and fell to the ground. Night time 
calling was just a dream at this time.

For the third attempt, something was needed that would take up the 
slack. At first someone would have to tighten the intestine as the sun 
went down and be sure to loosen it at sunrise. Nobody wanted to be 
bothered. Shell-E knew that there had to be a better way.

One day as he was riding his motorcycle down the beach, Shell-E spied 
some of the trilobite fishermen hauling in a catch. He noticed that 
their net was woven in such a way that it could expand and contract 
around the sharp shells of the trilobites without being cut. He ran up 
to the fisherman and neglecting to hold his nose as the stench worsened, 
he shouted "YOU REEK!"

"Uh," replied one of the fishermen.

Shell-E used one net at each end of the intestine. Success was at hand. 
Shell-E didn't know what to call his invention. At first he called it 
"Whale Intestine Strung Between Two Tribes of Motorcyclists On The Beach 
Held in Tension by the Nets of The Trilobite Fishermen." The trilobite 
fishermen called it "Tri-oomf net." Shell-E liked that.


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