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[ST] FW: Tools and their REAL uses
- Subject: [ST] FW: Tools and their REAL uses
- From: "Jeremy Witt" <Jeremy@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Thu, 22 Feb 2007 09:01:38 -0500
Modified version of the old one. A few interesting additions, as well as a few questionable modifications.
I especially like the "two ton engine hoist".
Jeremy Witt
Newbury Partners
www.newburypartners.com
(o) 603-893-3022
(c) 603-475-4228
> >Tools and their REAL uses
> >
> >DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
> >metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
> >flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
> >freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
> >
> >WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
> >workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
> >hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
> >say, "Yeow shit...."
> >
> >ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
> >until you die of old age.
> >
> >SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
> >
> >PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
> >blood-blisters. The tool most often used by all women.
> >
> >BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
> >touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
> >
> >HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> >principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
> >and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
> >future becomes.
> >
> >VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
> >If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
> >welding heat to the palm of your hand.
> >
> >WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of
> >intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
> >
> >OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
> >objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
> >wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
> >
> >WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
> >motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½
> >socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
> >
> >TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
> >projectiles for testing wall integrity.
> >
> >HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
> >you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
> >under the bumper.
> >
> >EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off
> >of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
> >
> >TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
> >
> >E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
> >drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible
> >future use.
> >
> >RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
> >to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
> >
> >TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
> >everything you forgot to disconnect.
> >
> >CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably
> >has an accurately machined screw driver tip on the end opposite the handle.
> >
> >AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
> >
> >TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
> >drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which
> >is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
> >purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm
> >howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
> >Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
> >misleading.
> >
> >PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and
> >for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
> >shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
> >screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.
> >
> >STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
> >convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
> >
> >AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
> >power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
> >travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
> >which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and
> >instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
> >
> >PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
> >you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
> >
> >HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
> >
> >HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
> >as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
> >object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in
> >walls when hanging pictures.
> >
> >MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
> >cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
> >such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
> >magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful
> >for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
> >
> >DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
> >yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next
> >tool that you will need.
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