[ST] Tools, been around but still funny

[Jack Hays <rude@xxxxxxxxxxxx>]

MECHANIC'S TOOL GUIDE, part 1

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object
we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear
wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads.  If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire.   Also handy for igniting the grease inside
a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light.  Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after
you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off
a hydraulic jack.

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